The sun is barely up, I've had my first few sips of coffee and there’s not a sound in my house. I have deep sleeping teenager, an avid skier in training eager to hit the slopes, two girlies already on the bus and a weary husband still hoping for peace and calmness. I love these quiet moments, my heart settles here; rather I force it to, until the wild begins! I often reflect on the previous day and ones ahead and today is no exception.
Chantelle and I received some hard news yesterday, frankly it sucked, and I didn’t realize how much my heart was invested and deeply longed for this next phase of the journey to begin. Chantelle was told she needed to stop the current treatment because of dangerously high estrogen levels in her body and that she was at risk of a blood clot and other not so great complications. She was 2 days away from retrieval! TWO! We had a good cry together, and needed to feel all the disappointment. We can make sense of the reasons, that of course her health is the most important thing, but before getting to the “bright side” you‘ve got to feel all the feels! You feel me?! Everything was set, the excitement was culminating, and we were days away from the next step, ARGH! When she told me my heart totally sunk, and there were definitely a string of s**t’s and dammits that came out of my mouth! And because swear words were specifically created for cascading disappointments and expectations lost, those are the words that fit! I’m a feeler first, deal with it!
Don’t freak out just yet, ALL IS NOT LOST! We can start again after Chantys (Craig’s love name for her and I can’t get it out of my head, it’s the best! I LOVE it!) hormones settle back down! Whew! So we feel, accept, and begin again! And in roughly 41 to 43 days we will be back here again, with just as much excitement, more knowledge, and a greater perspective about God’s timing, his sovereignty and that he is and will be with us in this journey.
On that note, after the initial news sunk in, It was convicting for me, I am reminded that I cling to the slightest bit of control, I am a mom of four… of course I do! If you’ve ever experienced a difficult fertility journey or pregnancy at all you come to realize that the idea of controlling anything is absurd! I had MY plan. MY idea of this next year, looking at timelines, projects, purpose and seeing it so clearly, this is what IS happening! What I find is that God is calling me into a deeper trusting relationship with him. He wants to walk with me through everything, not just make things go exactly the way I imagine them. When I take it to him, and choose to turn towards him and not away He meets me. God takes my anger, frustration and sadness, and holds me in that space. I can’t make sense of it all, but he knows and is already there, and he knows how to comfort my weary heart. He is weaving all things together for my good and his glory! I can let go of control with confidence. So the journey continues!
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